So....last weekend was another one of those socialist extravaganzas that I’m prone to going to – you know, trapped in a room discussing the evils of capitalism and how to fix it for 14 hours straight 3 days in a row. By Sunday night, Dani and I were understandably exhausted and decided to watch the Oscars. We thought we'd let you in on how that little adventure went for us. The following was composed as we watched it and then edited for clarity later:
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As Jon Stewart emerges from some sort of tube:
Me: that set….looks like plumbing
Best costumes:
Dani: I love Cate Blanchett
Me: me too
(Elizabeth:The Golden Age wins)
Dani: I agree with that. Period pieces always win.
Me: hey, that winner’s dress rocks! I suppose it would have to, considering the category.
Dani: Whatev. She has veiny hands and looks like an elementary school art teacher.
Weird 80th anniversary montage:
Jon: Is that when Peter O’Toole won the lifetime achievement award?
Me: Don’t even get me started. It’s a crime he hasn’t actually won one yet. That’s a big reason why the Oscars are bullshit, if you ask me.
Dani: Wait – is that old guy giving a speech Charlie Chaplin?! Creepy.
Jon: IMDB says he died in the 70s.
Me: Hearing him speak is so weird…I feel like I’ve seen him naked now.
Best animated feature:
Dani: These choices are lame. Why no simpson's movie?
Me: Maybe because it was a TV show before?
(Ratatouille wins)
Dani: WHAT? Ratatouille won best animated feature over Persepolis?? That is so not cool. {lame point #1}
Best makeup:
Dani: Whoa, Katherine Heigl looks scary.
Jon: Yeah…like a robot.
Me: Norbit was nominated for best make up? Wha? How could it be nominated for anything? {lame point #2}
(La Vie En Rose wins)
Dani: Marion Cottillard is beyond thrilled.
Me: imagine if she actually wins…
(Amy Adams, who Dani found awesome, sings a song from Enchanted which Jon found bizarre. Then, we watched a creepy mastercard commercial with a guy with a strange, creepy independently moving eye and were profoundly disturbed.)
Visual effects:
Dani: did they just call him dwayne johnson?? the hell?
Me: Well yeah. He's...THE ROCK.
(while the visual effects team from The Golden Compass accept their Oscars)
Me: Those dudes look like a barbershop quartet.
Art direction:
Dani: This is a hard category. I’d be happy with any of these winning.
(a pair of presumably Italian people accept awards for Sweeney Todd and give an extraordinarily stilted speech)
Me: Man. They are not so good at English…this is kind of painful.
Supporting actor:
Dani: What is with Jennifer Hudson’s boobs?
Me: They’re, like, 3D! Also, did Phillip Seymour Hoffman highlight hair?
(Javier Bardem wins)
Me: Aww! He brought his mom! That’s nice.
(A montage of binouculars and periscopes that way made before the writer’s strike ended was played, which I found awesome {highlight #1}, and Keri Russell came out in a lovely dress to introduce a song from August Rush. Jon, who actually really wanted to see the movie, started incoherently singing along.)
Live action short film:
Dani: Why are all of these foreign?
Craig (Dani’s Gentlemen Friend): Tonto Woman looks awesome!
Animated Short:
(Peter and the Wolf wins)
Dani: are the cutting out all the pauses? And opening the envelope ahead of time?! {lame point #3}
Jon: the winners brought scary peter doll!
Me: It kind of looks like you, dude.
Best Supporting Actress:
(while watching a montage of past winners)
Me: I do love alan arkin
Jon: I hate alan alda.
Me: I do love tilda swinton, as well! That lady behind her has way too much cleavage happenng, though…
Dani: Tilda Swinton is looking a little scary alien-bowie-esque.
Me: Hey, did she just mention the Clooney Batman Nipple-suit?
Dani: Yes! We should hang out with her. {highlight #2}
Best Adapted Screenplay:
Me: Man, could the Coen Brother’s acceptance speech have been any more awkward?
(we were subjected to yet another lame montage, but noticed a mysterious Jerry Orbach look alike in audience before it played. Then, Hannah Montana introduced the third musical number, which turned out to be some vaguely racist extravaganza from Enchanted) {lame point #4}
Best Actress:
Jon: Forest Whitaker lost a ton of weight – what an amazing face!
(Marion Cottilard wins and gives a speech that includes the following direct quotations: "you rocked my life!!" and "thank you life, thank you love, it is true there are some angels in this city!") highlight #3
Me: Her dress is…scaly. She’s like a scaly Sally Field up there.
(a song from Once was played by the earnest-looking pair from the movie, and then there was an extremely enjoyable montage of the past best picture winners, where Craig made fun of my deep love of overly long dramas where nothing happens)
Honorary Oscar:
Me: Is Nicole Kidman wearing tinsel?
Jon: She looks like robot!
(tiny old man takes the stage to give the longest and most rambling acceptance speech in history, which brough Harrison Ford to the brink of tears and made Laure Linney actually cry. Tommy Lee Jones, on the other hand, has a mean poker face) {lame point #4}
Best Foreign Film:
Dani: Kazakhstan made a film?
(the last song from Enchanted is performed – all watching agree it is very lame indeed)
Best Song:
(that song from Once is announced as the winner)
Dani: I called it! Hey, why'd she change out of her awesome dress?
Me: Look! Laura Linney’s crying again!
Dani: zzzzzzzzz (she passed out on the couch) {highlight #4}
(during the people who died montage, I shocked to find out that Deborah Kerr had passed on. I deeply mourned the loss of Bergman, and was once again made fun of for my movie-dorkness by Craig and Jon)
Best Actor
Me: How weird is it that the dude from Eastern Promises is Aragon?
Jon: He is?? I had no idea!
(Daniel Day-Lewis wins and gives a speech where he mentions his fantastically-named children: Gabriel, Ronan, and Cashel)
Jon: I predicted that after I saw the SAG awards.
Me: What?! When did you see the SAG awards? Since when do you watch awards shows in secret by yourself?
Best Director:
Me: Hee! Martin Scorcese and his caterpillar eyebrows…
(The Coen brothers win and awkwardly explain that they made a movie when they were twelvish entitled Henry Kissinger: Man On The Go.) {highlight #5}
Best Picture:
Craig: Oh, hey! A third rousing speech by the Coen brothers!
Jon: You know who was conspicuously absent? Lindsay Lohan, that’s who.
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3 comments:
I watched the Oscars too, and then promptly forgot about most of them because I thought the show was sort of lame this year. But I do want to say - I completely agree with you. Charlie Chaplin speaking is the most bizarre thing ever.
Man! I just read this while I was in "the cube"(it's empty today, btw) and started laughing very loudly over and over and louder and louder as I read.
I like how myfalling asleepis a highlight!
I also LOVE that Craig made that last comment, I can hear it in his voice.
Anyway, you rock. I love you. I want booties.
Hi, I'm Dani's friend Aiah, I also love that Dani falling asleep is a highlight. Because it always is.
And I want to point out that Brad Renfro was missing from the dead-people montage.
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